Why I am Proud of Daphne High School for Offering Arabic as a Foreign Language

Dear Daphne High School,

I have read the recent article posted on Al.com and would like to express my pride in your decision to offer Arabic at Daphne High School.  I have five children in public school, one at Daphne High School. I am a big believer in public education. Decisions like yours to offer and defend the offering of this course are teaching our children all of the right lessons.

I am raising my children to be be informed, to be open minded, to be tolerant of everyone alike or different, to question authority without disrespecting it. I am teaching them that they have the power to become informed and educated and by listening to others, make decisions on their own. Your decision supports my goals.

Narrow mindedness is bred by ignorance. To listen to those who have said that by teaching Arabic at school, you are teaching "a culture of hate," would be to encourage ignorance in students that limits their abilities to form their own opinions.  Thank you for ignoring that narrow mindedness.

Open- mindedness is taught by exposing children to different people, cultures, and viewpoints. By allowing them access to language and culture from around the world, you are reinforcing the idea that it is okay to be different from each other. Thank you for encouraging diversity.

Tolerance is taught by example. By allowing children access to different culture, language and religion through education, you are teaching them to embrace those who are or believe differently and encouraging open and respectful discussion.  Thank you for teaching tolerance.

Our country was founded by immigrants.  We are a country of many languages, cultures, religions and traditions.  By learning about all of our cultures and roots, by learning about all of our histories, by learning about all of our religions, we teach our children to live with an understanding of others rather than a fear or hatred of them.  Thank you for teaching that understanding makes it impossible to hate.

Providing children information from every perspective gives them the belief and the tools to change their futures and impact the world. By teaching them an understanding and practical knowledge of a different and globally significant culture and language, you are empowering our children to participate in a global market, to embrace a global perspective and to teach others these same skills thereby changing the future...maybe even reducing hate and fear bred by ignorance.

We live in an area with a great deal of diversity and however you believe, it is important for all children to know that anything is possible and barriers of all kinds can be conquered, even the barrier of judging those who are different from you.

Elizabeth Denham

Keeping Kids Out of the Middle

            An amazing thing happens to most of us when we become parents.  We change for the better.  The gravity of the responsibility and the intensity of the love that we feel toward our children hits us in the heart, and we do everything we know how to do to nurture them.  We become better people, trying to lead by example.  Often we start eating healthier, working out more, going to church, wearing seat belts.  Many times we quit cursing, smoking or driving fast.  We are keenly aware of our behavior and the influence it has over our children because we see ourselves reflected in their cherubic little (or not so little) faces.

            And then, sometimes, divorces strikes.  Divorce hurts.  It angers.  It scars.  It can consume us to the point that it is difficult to remember that our every move, every word, every action is being recorded by the sponges that are our children’s minds, hearts and souls.  To be in agony ourselves and to gather the strength to remember that we must put that agony aside for our children takes Herculean effort. 

            Putting our children first during a divorce means putting aside our own anger, hurt, betrayal and sadness, particularly when directed at our ex-spouse, and putting the emotional needs of our children ahead of our own.  Unless there are real and grave safety issues, everything must be done to preserve the relationships the children have with both parents.  No matter what your ex did or how you feel about him/her, that person will always be your children’s parent.  And that is okay.  And you are responsible for making it okay for your children to love that parent when they are around you.   

            In eight years of being divorced, I have had a lot of practice in learning how to navigate co-parenting.  There is no easy solution, but I have realized that, as bad as it can seem at the time, nothing is really the end of the world.  This realization has helped me let go of control and anger and helped me to make sure my children have whatever relationship their father gives them.  I have recently re-married, and my husband and I must try to balance our children’s relationships with each other, us and both of our former spouses.  Here are some things we have learned that take the pressure off you, your exes and your children:

·        Do not speak badly about your ex to or in front of your children.  This is something we all know, but it is easier said than done.  This includes looks, gestures and disinterest in things your child wants to tell you about time spent at the other house.  Not only should you not speak negatively about your ex, but you should encourage your children to talk to you (without grilling them) about the time they spend with him/her so that it is not something with which they associate negative feelings.  This means no limits on what they are allowed to say, and no eye rolls or snide remarks from you. 

·        Do not make the children responsible for any form of communication between you and your ex.  This includes scheduling, school information, transportation changes, etc.  Making children communicate for you forces them into a potential situation where they may get a reaction that should be reserved for you.  If they just feel a little uncomfortable giving a message to your ex, that is unacceptable and easily avoided.  Even if they seem fine with communicating messages, it is not their job.  It is yours.

·        Never discuss money with your children as it relates to your ex.  Do not discuss child support even if it is late or unpaid.  Do not discuss who pays for what.  It is not the job of children to worry about money, and it always pits one parent against the other as it is such an emotionally charged issue.  The court has decided how money is to be paid.  If you don’t like it or it is not getting paid, go back to court.  Just be sure to leave your children out of it. 

·        Accept the fact that you do not control what goes on at the other parent’s house.  If you are able to devise a uniform parenting plan with your ex for both homes, great.  If not, you must, except in the case of real physical danger, accept the fact that you can only control your home and your ex gets to control his/hers.  You cannot make rules for the other house.  This puts the children in a terrible position of having to follow rules of which the other parent is unaware and potentially lie about them to the other parent.   You cannot expect a full report every time the children return.  This puts them in the position of feeling like they are tattling or getting the other parent in trouble.  Any time a child feels guilty to you about something that occurred with the other parent, you have put them in the middle of your issues.

·        Do not ever make you children feel guilty for being away from you.  They do not need to know if you are sad when they leave, if you are lonely, if you are sick or if you are working extra hard while they are gone.  Making them feel sorry for you, again, brings them into your issues.  Further, it makes the children feel responsible for your feelings, and they are caring for you.

Going back and forth between homes is not your children’s fault and not their choice.  Give them the freedom to be happy wherever they are.  It is the greatest gift you can give to them after their family has broken.  They will love you and respect you for allowing them their own relationships, their own feelings and their own time.  So send them off with a smile and an “I can’t wait to hear all about it when you come back!”

“Hope” is the thing with feathers - (314)
Emily Dickinson 1830–1886

Hope is the thing with feathers 
That perches in the soul, 
And sings the tune--without the words,
And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.

I've heard it in the chillest land,
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.

Petals of the Fallen

This was written by my step-daughter, Hannah Denham.

Gone, but never forgotten - in honor of the twenty flowers who entered heaven's gates December 14, 2012.

Petals of the Fallen

 I came across the Painter today

His gently worn hands were spattered with flecks

of exuberant colors and hues

He used a cloud for a canvas

Red from passion mixed with the purity of white

for the pink of childhood's rosy cheeks

Dipping his fingers in the green

from virescence of recurring life,

he romanced the image to the skies

"What are you painting?"

I asked the bearded Man

with brown eyes that pierced the soul

He said not a word as his fingers worked

but I took no offense at his silence

and watched as his answer took form

Stalks of green were coaxed to the skyline

One, two, three, I counted

and when creation was complete, there were twenty

Pink blooms smeared the white space

above the stems, painted

not with precision, but untouched beauty

But then the Artist's expression changed.

Deep and anguished sadness

engraved the creases of his face

The white of the canvas turned black

with the darkening of the horizon

and the upheaval of the skies

And then it rained.

The sky opened, its quiet tears disappearing

into the shadow of uprooted innocence

I had forgotten the painter was next to me

until he exhaled into the mist, and

droplets of grief hastened from his whisper

He brushed his fingers once more

into the green of vitality,

sprouting life from the petals of the fallen

It occurred to me then -

though cut off from its source of survival

the essence of each blossom lives on.

From the rain of suffering, and from the tears shed

each spirit can grow, be revivified in the form

of a future in remembrance of the original twenty seeds.

Christmas 2004

            “Have you ever cheated on me?”  How were these words coming out of my mouth?  I was married to a “good Catholic boy,” after all.  The revelation that the “good Catholic boy” designation was self–professed came to light as I stood in the garage the day after Christmas watching my illusions that he was actually “a good man underneath it all” dissipate into a smoky haze.  New just-played-with toys were scattered all over the house, wrapping paper was overflowing the trash cans, and the boys were still riding high from candy-filled stockings and the excitement of Santa’s visit.

            I stood behind the kitchen door in the garage watching my husband sobbing.  He said his friends had advised him not to tell me anything, but he had decided to be honest and answer any question I wanted to ask. 

            “Hang on,” I said.

            The boys were two, four and six years old.  I couldn’t leave them unattended for more than a few minutes.  I opened the door to peer inside.  Through the kitchen and into the living room, I saw the Christmas tree lights shimmering, the stockings flung on the floor, toys and candy strewn about.  The smell of the Christmas tree hit me as I scanned the kitchen still covered with Christmas morning donuts and cookies.  The boys were quietly playing.  The middle one was watching a Christmas movie, the youngest was riding his new tractor, and the oldest was playing his new video game. 

            I turned back into the darkness of the garage and closed the door.  I looked around to see our life in the shadows.  Christmas boxes were awaiting pick-up. Bikes, rakes, and tools were haphazardly arranged.  Boxes of outgrown clothes were awaiting the next boy’s growth spurt.

“Have you ever cheated on me?” 

I don’t know why I asked this question.  We had many problems, but nothing I believed was insurmountable.  He was a good person underneath it all.  He was a good person underneath his white lies, misrepresentations and failure do the things he said he would do that apparently whittled away at my ability to trust him and prompted my question.

 “Um, well, not really,” he said.

Not really?  This was not a definitive answer to my question.  This question should have a definitive answer, and at that moment, I knew.  His penchant for rationalizing bored full-force into me, and I felt invisible to myself.  Everything I knew to be true was a lie.  As I listened to an endless description of what specific acts he believed constituted cheating, I felt as though I had left my body and was watching this scene from above myself. 

“Hang on.”  I had to come back to myself and check on the kids.

I opened the door again to check on the boys.  They were getting a bit restless, running around the living room, flinging toys up in the air as they giggled and shrieked.  Frosty the Snowman was blaring from the TV. 

My mind replayed the last week as I watched them.  The Christmas Eve service at church, the Sunday School Christmas party, making cookies with my parents, all of it was so normal.  I told them to finish the movie, and I would give them a bath. 

When I turned back to the dimly lit garage, I began to ask questions with surreal calm.  I had to chip away at his resistance to the truth despite him offering to answer any question. He began to sob harder and harder as he related a tale of infidelity spanning five years of our ten-year marriage. 

“Who?”

“I don’t know,” he said. 

“What do you mean you don’t know?” I could not fathom his answer as I once again had left my body, floating above and watching this happen to me.

“I don’t know who they are.”

“How many?”

“Too many to count.”

At that moment, my two-year-old came bounding out of the house, all grins and wanting to play.  The bright light of the kitchen fell on my husband’s tear-streaked face.  I stepped to block my son from seeing him, scooped him up and carried him back inside.  I asked my 6 year-old to play with him for a few minutes before their bath and I would be right back.

“I don’t have any more questions,” I said.  I turned back into the house filled with lights, music and the sweet faces of innocent, giggling boys.  I shut the garage door to the man I never really knew.  And I was free.

Free

The best way to find peace in conflict, especially in divorce, is to shift your own expectations.  It is a way of letting go.  You know bad things will happen.  You know there will be conflict.  You know there are things over which you have no control.  When you do not expect the other person to do the right thing or to make good decisions or even to make decision you would make, then you let go.  Then and only then do you regain control by controlling your own reaction.  You can have sad and angry reactions, and you have the right to your own feelings.  But you can calmly make decisions knowing that you will always try to do the right things.  Relieving yourself of the responsibility of trying to make someone else do the right thing is liberating. You are only responsible for how you live and what you teach your children.

In the Spirit of "It Takes a Village"

Dear Village,

I voted for President Obama, and thought that today I would feel very happy about his re-election.  Instead, I woke up to see anger, sarcasm, resentment and disrespect for the president and those who voted for him being expressed all over my Facebook wall.  I am very disappointed that many of you choose to be filled with hate, derision and negativity and choose to express those feelings in such a public way.  I have five children and many of you are in our "village" influencing and setting examples for them.  Some of you are friends with them on Facebook.  Decisions like yours cause me inordinate distress because I believe that you are teaching them all of the wrong lessons.

I am raising my children to be be informed, to be open minded, to be tolerant of everyone alike or different, to question authority without disrespecting it. I am teaching them that they have the power to become informed and educated and by listening to others, make decisions on their own. Your decision goes against every single one of my goals.

By showing them hate and a closed mind, you are teaching them that by having an opinion different from yours, they will be greeted with hate thus making it more difficult for them to form their own opinions and express them without fear.  Open- mindedness is taught by exposing children to different people, cultures, and viewpoints. By expressing derision of their government, you are reinforcing the idea that it is not okay to be different from each other.

Tolerance is taught by example. By showing them that when your candidate doesn't win, it is okay to attack those who voted differently from you or to attack the president or the government, you are teaching them to turn their backs on those who are or believe differently, rather than encouraging open and respectful discussion.

Our country was founded by our questioning of an authority with which we disagreed. By allowing our children to see disrespectful attacks instead of respectful discussion you are teaching them to disrespect authority instead of giving them the tools to question or change their futures.

Providing children information from every perspective gives them the belief and the tools to change their futures and impact the world. By attacking one group's views and votes, you are teaching them that they have no power to make their own decisions or to change their futures without fear of retribution.

I would like my village to have the goals that I have listed above to produce educated, informed, tolerant, open-minded and powerful children who will grow to be adults with those same qualities.  I would like them armed with knowledge as they go through school and go out into the world.

This time, my candidate won.  I have experienced the same disappointment in other elections when my choice lost.  I did not attack my friends for their votes.  I did not, in dramatic fashion,  pray to God that he would save us from the "evil" that loomed.  I think the president needs prayers for wise and just decisions whether he is my choice or not.  I did not believe that the world would end because my choice didn't win.  And it won't now.

We live in a country that provides peaceful election and peaceful transfer of power when a new candidate wins.  We need to appreciate this and recognize that many risk much more when they vote.  We need to teach our children, by example, that we can win or lose gracefully.  That we can respect the office of the president and try to support each other and articulate our opinions in ways that teach our children to be the kind of adults we would like them to be..

I want my children to be politically aware.  I want them to learn to watch and think for themselves.  I do not want to feel compelled to warn them that talking about politics with friends may not be such a good idea for fear they will be attacked.  I believe that this culture of hate and fear can turn the young away from wanting to learn about and participate in the process.  I believe that those who express hate and vilify others run the risk of denying my children the experiencing of history by making them afraid.

It does not matter for whom you voted or what your political affiliation, children and adults (because every adult is a part of some child's village) should respect the office of President, even if you do not respect the man or the ideology.

I have written my political views on Facebook.  I have made every effort to be respectful, find facts and post articles that I find interesting and support my ideas.  I have never called someone (either a political figure or friend)  a name or attacked anyone personally.  Even I began to feel disillusioned with discussion as people are very angry when you disagree with them.  That is not the path I want my children to walk.

Change starts with the individual.  If we can come together and work together, it will be harder for those in power to remain so polarized.  If you do not like the way things are, instead of ranting in anger, why not do something about it using respectful and intelligent discussion.  Call your senator, write your congressman, attend meetings.  Take you children and teach them how it works.  At the very least, before you speak or post, pause to think if what you are about to say is something you would want your children to hear or see.

We live in an area with a great deal of diversity and however you believe, it is important for all children to know that anything is possible and barriers of all kinds can be conquered. Our president is an historical figure by sheer virtue of the fact that he is our first African-American president. We should at the very least respect that.  Maybe if we all pulled together for the greater good, he could actually accomplish something, and we could teach our children in the process.