An amazing thing happens to most of
us when we become parents. We change for
the better. The gravity of the
responsibility and the intensity of the love that we feel toward our children
hits us in the heart, and we do everything we know how to do to nurture
them. We become better people, trying to
lead by example. Often we start eating
healthier, working out more, going to church, wearing seat belts. Many times we quit cursing, smoking or
driving fast. We are keenly aware of our
behavior and the influence it has over our children because we see ourselves
reflected in their cherubic little (or not so little) faces.
And then, sometimes, divorces strikes. Divorce hurts. It angers.
It scars. It can consume us to
the point that it is difficult to remember that our every move, every word,
every action is being recorded by the sponges that are our children’s minds,
hearts and souls. To be in agony ourselves
and to gather the strength to remember that we must put that agony aside for
our children takes Herculean effort.
Putting our children first during a
divorce means putting aside our own anger, hurt, betrayal and sadness,
particularly when directed at our ex-spouse, and putting the emotional needs of
our children ahead of our own. Unless
there are real and grave safety issues, everything must be done to preserve the
relationships the children have with both parents. No matter what your ex did or how you feel
about him/her, that person will always be your children’s parent. And that is okay. And you are responsible for making it okay
for your children to love that parent when they are around you.
In eight years of being divorced, I
have had a lot of practice in learning how to navigate co-parenting. There is no easy solution, but I have
realized that, as bad as it can seem at the time, nothing is really the end of
the world. This realization has helped
me let go of control and anger and helped me to make sure my children have
whatever relationship their father gives them.
I have recently re-married, and my husband and I must try to balance our
children’s relationships with each other, us and both of our former
spouses. Here are some things we have
learned that take the pressure off you, your exes and your children:
·
Do not speak badly about your ex to or in front
of your children. This is something we
all know, but it is easier said than done.
This includes looks, gestures and disinterest in things your child wants
to tell you about time spent at the other house. Not only should you not speak negatively
about your ex, but you should encourage your children to talk to you (without
grilling them) about the time they spend with him/her so that it is not
something with which they associate negative feelings. This means no limits on what they are allowed
to say, and no eye rolls or snide remarks from you.
·
Do not make the children responsible for any
form of communication between you and your ex.
This includes scheduling, school information, transportation changes,
etc. Making children communicate for you
forces them into a potential situation where they may get a reaction that
should be reserved for you. If they just
feel a little uncomfortable giving a message to your ex, that is unacceptable
and easily avoided. Even if they seem
fine with communicating messages, it is not their job. It is yours.
·
Never discuss money with your children as it
relates to your ex. Do not discuss child
support even if it is late or unpaid. Do
not discuss who pays for what. It is not
the job of children to worry about money, and it always pits one parent against
the other as it is such an emotionally charged issue. The court has decided how money is to be paid. If you don’t like it or it is not getting
paid, go back to court. Just be sure to
leave your children out of it.
·
Accept the fact that you do not control what
goes on at the other parent’s house. If
you are able to devise a uniform parenting plan with your ex for both homes,
great. If not, you must, except in the
case of real physical danger, accept the fact that you can only control your
home and your ex gets to control his/hers.
You cannot make rules for the other house. This puts the children in a terrible position
of having to follow rules of which the other parent is unaware and potentially
lie about them to the other parent. You
cannot expect a full report every time the children return. This puts them in the position of feeling
like they are tattling or getting the other parent in trouble. Any time a child feels guilty to you about
something that occurred with the other parent, you have put them in the middle
of your issues.
·
Do not ever make you children feel guilty for
being away from you. They do not need to
know if you are sad when they leave, if you are lonely, if you are sick or if
you are working extra hard while they are gone.
Making them feel sorry for you, again, brings them into your
issues. Further, it makes the children
feel responsible for your feelings, and they are caring for you.
Going back and forth between homes is not your
children’s fault and not their choice.
Give them the freedom to be happy wherever they are. It is the greatest gift you can give to them
after their family has broken. They will
love you and respect you for allowing them their own relationships, their own
feelings and their own time. So send
them off with a smile and an “I can’t wait to hear all about it when you come
back!”
