Forget Granite...I just want to survive the school year!

Having a perfectionist personality, it is difficult for me when I screw something up (for example, that "up" is a little dangling preposition...sitting out there...bothering me...but watch, I am leaving it to prove that I can).  Since becoming a single (really only) parent almost 6 years ago, I have had to learn to adjust to the fact that I just can't keep up with everything.  Accepting that is not an easy feat, I have to say.  I have learned that I am going to forget things, times appointments, homework things for the boys...it is going to happen.  And I have to let it roll.  After all, parenting is not a one-man job...and I am the only one...

So last week, the second to last week of school, all of the boys activities were coming to an end, shows, concerts, performances, parties, etc.  I was exhausted from the week before that when I volunteered every day at the theater for Luke's group in Children's Chorus.  In trying to get all of the boys schedules straight and with countless emails updating the wheres, whens and hows, my brain somehow failed to communicate with itself.

In one part of my brain, I was trying to plan for Luke to go on choir tour with the chorus.  What to pack, where to be, when to be there.  I had the list.  Get there Friday at 4, pick him up Monday at 7.  Get him packed.  Moving on the Jake's birthday party, Sunday School party, mowing grass, friend to play with Joseph.  Got it.  All planned.

In the meantime, I received multiple emails from the church reminding me that Luke was to acolyte on Sunday at 8 am.  Ok.  Got it.  We will go to the 8 o'clock church service, get some lunch, stop at the store and pick up something to take to the Sunday School party.  Ok.  All good. 

At some point on Friday afternoon before this busy weekend, my brain connected and I realized that Luke was scheduled to acolyte Sunday and wouldn't be home until Monday night.  The deadline to get a substitute name to the church office was Thursday afternoon.  Well, crap.  I debated calling around in a frantic frenzy on Friday and Saturday, but I was already frantic enough trying to get a birthday party done in the midst of everything else.  So I went to Jake.  Jake did not sign up to acolyte.  He hates to be in front of people, doesn't like to be the center of attention.  He had never done it.  I asked him to help and upon his reticence, I offered to remind him of all of the things I have done for him lately.  He politely declined my offer and said he would do it.  And he did it with a good attitude. 

The weekend ended up going smoothly and all was well in the Reosti house.  That is the lesson, really, that even when you screw it up, it usually works out in the end, right?  Oh, and thank goodness for spare kids...

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Be Not Afraid

Fear is a funny thing.  I think we all have it.  I think we all make decisions based on it.  I think we all try to control life to avoid the things we think will hurt us.  A little fear is even healthy.  You teach your kids to hold hands when you cross the street. You teach them not to swim out too far at the beach.  You teach them not to talk to strangers.  Self preservation is a very good reason for fear. 

The problem is when fear holds you back from experiencing things that could be good in life.  Fear of taking a risk.  Self preservation or self sabotage?  Both?  Caution is not a bad thing, but immobilization, emotional or otherwise, is a bad thing. 

I am trying to learn the balance. 

I think to this point, I have held on to fear as though life depended on it.  It's like a cloak that allows hiding and therefore less living.  I was shattered.  I never wanted to feel that way again.  I have a pattern that I recognize of taking a flying leap in the opposite direction of anyone or anything that threatens my little cocoon of self preservation.  And where has that gotten me?  Good question.  Not where I want to be.

The funny thing is, I am not unhappy.  I have a good life with good kids and good friends.  But there is more to be had.  I have things I want to accomplish, things I want to experience.  Do I hold back out of fear or the eternal excuse of having an overwhelming amount of responsibilities?  I do feel overwhelmed regularly.  I have a busy job.  Busy kids.  But I can do more....I can let go of those overwhelming thoughts and take a risk. 

Someone said to me recently that the worst has already happened, so why not let go?  After a couple of days of thinking about that, I decided to let it go.  Fearing something does not mean that it's not going to happen anyway.  What it does mean is that you enjoy the ride a little less.  I don't suck as a person.  I don't suck as a mother.  I don't suck at work.  And I don't suck in relationships. 

So I have decided to be liberated from my fear (or at least make a sincere effort at liberation).  In the last two or three days of my new-found freedom, I feel more like myself.  I feel lighter and easier.  And why can't good things happen to me? 


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