Fear is a funny thing. I think we all have it. I think we all make decisions based on it. I think we all try to control life to avoid the things we think will hurt us. A little fear is even healthy. You teach your kids to hold hands when you cross the street. You teach them not to swim out too far at the beach. You teach them not to talk to strangers. Self preservation is a very good reason for fear.
The problem is when fear holds you back from experiencing things that could be good in life. Fear of taking a risk. Self preservation or self sabotage? Both? Caution is not a bad thing, but immobilization, emotional or otherwise, is a bad thing.
I am trying to learn the balance.
I think to this point, I have held on to fear as though life depended on it. It's like a cloak that allows hiding and therefore less living. I was shattered. I never wanted to feel that way again. I have a pattern that I recognize of taking a flying leap in the opposite direction of anyone or anything that threatens my little cocoon of self preservation. And where has that gotten me? Good question. Not where I want to be.
The funny thing is, I am not unhappy. I have a good life with good kids and good friends. But there is more to be had. I have things I want to accomplish, things I want to experience. Do I hold back out of fear or the eternal excuse of having an overwhelming amount of responsibilities? I do feel overwhelmed regularly. I have a busy job. Busy kids. But I can do more....I can let go of those overwhelming thoughts and take a risk.
Someone said to me recently that the worst has already happened, so why not let go? After a couple of days of thinking about that, I decided to let it go. Fearing something does not mean that it's not going to happen anyway. What it does mean is that you enjoy the ride a little less. I don't suck as a person. I don't suck as a mother. I don't suck at work. And I don't suck in relationships.
So I have decided to be liberated from my fear (or at least make a sincere effort at liberation). In the last two or three days of my new-found freedom, I feel more like myself. I feel lighter and easier. And why can't good things happen to me?